The past few weeks have been a roller coaster... ups and downs like I nothing I've ever experienced.
I found out I was pregnant on March 21st. At approximately 4:30am.
We had grabbed a few pregnancy tests at the dollar store the day before when we were out and about... (I hate how expensive pregnancy tests are so I'm embracing the fact that we buy them at the dollar store. Don't judge me! Or do... I won't tell you how to live your life.)
I had been wanting to take one just to see. Just to make sure. I didn't REALLY think I was pregnant- we just knew there was a slight chance it was possible even though we definitely weren't trying or anything. We were actually planning on waiting a couple years. So I woke up in the middle of the night and knew those tests were there, sitting in the closet. They were in the closet because I was a bum and just threw the bag in there instead of putting the goods in the bathroom. Aaanyways I had to rummage through the plastic bag, hoping I wouldn't wake up Josh- everything seems louder at night when it's quiet ya know? But it was silly to worry about that because he's the deepest sleeper everrrr. I'm always so jealous of him. I wake up to any little peep Pearl makes and he's still totally out when she's whining a few feet away.
So I got the goods. Then I did my thang and the results were in. TWO lines. And they were as dark and solid as can be. I need to reiterate that we were not planning on this. So initially it was shock. Pure shock. But I know I got up in the middle of the night to do it because I was dying to know- and I was dying to know because deep down I was hoping. Excitement came very quickly. I wanted to wake up Josh but I wanted to let him sleep at the same time... and it was kinda nice just to sit down in the living room in my silent house and soak it in myself. I sat out there for awhile, just thinking about it. Then I decided to try to sleep. (Ha.) I just laid there, hoping Josh would wake up. I had left the test in the bathroom so Josh would see it when he woke up. That's the coolest way I could thing of to tell him... Fiiinally, he got up! I had done the test in the hall bathroom because our sink is struggling, so I was hoping he would go in the hall bathroom- but he was going to our bathroom! So I popped up and said, "go in the other one!" Josh said, "What? Uh, ok." He was half asleep and didn't care. He came out. He was grinning. "What's in there? What does that mean?", he asked even though he knew. Needless to say we didn't go back to sleep. We had a lot to talk about. But just let me say that we were psyched.
I made my appointment pretty fast. I have an antigen in my blood that requires monthly testing so I wanted to be sure my levels were low. And I yearned to hear the heartbeat. I thought I was about 8 weeks. I didn't remember super clearly but I thought my last period was at the end of January. So I got that set up and was pumped to go. I got my saintly sister-in-law, Jaclyn, to watch my little lovelies.
My appointment started out great. I mean as good as it can go with the whole "pelvic exam" scenario. Not my fave, but it was exciting because my doctor thought my uterus "felt" about 8 weeks.
Then there was the ultrasound- what I was really looking forward to. Getting to hear that little heartbeat.
The ultrasound tech was a guy I had never had before. I've had the same one for my last two kids- and it was a woman. So the guy kinda threw me off. I don't know why. He was nice enough. But we got the ultrasound going and I looked at the screen. I was worried right away- I knew what it should look like. I had done this before.
I saw the dark circle that was my gestational sac... and that's all I saw. Where was the little white blob that was supposed to be inside the dark circle? And we didn't hear anything at all. I asked if it was there, if everything is ok. He said he wasn't finding anything. He said my gestational sac was measuring about six weeks but he couldn't find anything. He did a vaginal ultrasound- I had never had one of those before- and hope never to again. That wand is freaking huge! Ugh.
And nothing. I could tell he didn't think it was looking good. He said I should come back in a week. I asked if it wasn't looking good, just to see if he would say it out loud, but he just answered that it was unsure and that I should come back in a week.
After the ultrasound I saw my doctor again. I was sitting down in the exam room and he walked in, and literally upon setting foot in the room he said "Well I have to honest with you, it's not looking good. You're probably going to miscarry this one." My heart stopped and my eyes filled with tears. He went on to say it looked like a "blighted ovum" and that I shouldn't get my hopes up. He said there was a really small chance we could get lucky and we were just a few weeks earlier than we thought, but don't count on it. The size of my uterus and gestational sac were saying that there should be a baby in there, and there wasn't. I should be prepared to have a miscarriage. Midway through his speil he sat down next to me though, and patted my knee. Side note: The reason I like this particular doctor, and that I went back to him for this third child, is that he's very straightforward and business-like, but I can tell he's also really caring. He's quick, but tender when he needs to be. I don't know, I feel like it's a really good balance. I don't want a doctor who's TOO personal. I like a lot of professional, and just the right amount of tenderness. So he's the best. He actually usually pats my knee when the appointment is done. It know it probably sounds really weird but it's always reassuring to me. He's like an uncle or something. An uncle who looks at my junk sometimes. That's probs the most messed up thing I've ever said. Aaanyways....
So I totally fell apart upon hearing this news. I tried to pull it together so I could walk out and make my appointment for next week but I couldn't see through my tears. I told the nurses I needed a minute. They are the nicest and took me to an empty exam room and said I could sit in there as long as I'd like. I cried hard for a few minutes and then really tried to calm down. I somehow managed to make that next appointment, then I was out the door calling Josh. He's the best husband in the world, so you know he made me feel a little more at peace. But I was in no way over the bitter sadness and disappointment. We did agree though, that either way this pregnancy was a blessing. If it didn't work out, it was a sign that we really wanted to have more kids instead of wait. So that made me feel a tiny tiny bit better... though the sadness was still overpowering. But we hoped more than anything that it would work out. Josh had more hope than I did. He's better than me like that.
Waiting for my next appointment was so. hard. To not know if there was a baby in me. A baby that would continue to develop I guess I should say. I wanted to talk to someone who could empathize with me. I have great supportive friends and family. I will say that talking to Erika on the phone helped a ton. She had the same thing with her little Hazel- they couldn't find her and she had to go back a week later. And then there she was. So that gave me a little more hope. I want to put out there that that girl is the strongest. Mad respect for her.
You could probably guess the rest, if we're facebook friends. I went back the next week. Josh got to come with me, which was the best thing ever. He actually took the whole day off, because his mom had come the night before to visit during her spring break. So we had Grammee Jules to watch the kiddies, and I had a husband by my side. Best scenario for what was either going to be the best or worst day. We had the other ultrasound tech- the one I've had for my last two kids. We walked back and she sort of glanced at my file and said, "ok, looking for a heart beat?", and got right to it. I saw it right away! I saw the teeny tiny white blob and I heard the little heart beat! HAPPIEST MOMENT. Happiest, happiest moment. Oh how I love that tiny little blob. Definitely one of the best moments of my life. I'll remember it forever. It was just the best feeling in the world.
The funny thing is the ultrasound tech didn't even know about last week and the trauma we'd been though until we told her a couple minutes later. She was happy she could bring such good news. I was only 6 weeks 5 days- about two weeks earlier than I thought I was! And that was that.
The doctor was sorry he scared me, but that's what the signs were telling him. He was really glad we "got lucky".
Thank you SO much for everyone who knew about that first appointment and who gave us prayers and faith. Brings tears to my eyes thinking about it.
We are SO, SO happy about this baby. Maybe we're a little insane to have three kids in under three years. But I say bring it on.
We already have so much love for this little not-even-fetus-yet inside me.
I know it's crazy to even be talking about this little one since I'm not even two months along. But we are just so happy! "Blessed" is the right word for how we feel.
Here's the little announcement post I did:
And just to show real life, here's some other pics on the way to get that one. Who knew standing in a straight line was mission impossible? The one above isn't even perfect- AT ALL- that Pearl is so wiggly! But here are some of the other tries:
And there you have it, folks. Baby #3 is due November 20th.