Thursday, October 9, 2014

Just Me. Part 1.

A blog post that won't be all about the kiddies? Whoa.

I've had lots of things to write about this whole year- I was thinking about waiting until December to write about how the whole year has gone for me, but let's just do it now. In October.

I guess towards the beginning of the year I was still in newborn baby mode. Just starting to figure out the chaos of three babes. But honestly things were going really well. The house was (and is) in a constant whirlwind of a mess. My hallway was (and still is) often full of laundry needing to be washed and waiting to be folded. But things were good.

Here's where it gets personal. And it's going to start out kinda really TMI. I think in March,  I started bleeding. And I actually already had a pretty normal period after Ingrid had been born- maybe two. But then I started bleeding again and just didn't stop. For like a month. And it was insanely heavy at first (sorry, so gross, I know). But I hadn't had a real period since before Morgan's pregnancy so I figured it just my body trying to get back in the groove of things. I didn't go get it checked on for like.. a long time. Because sometimes it would lighten up and I thought it was going to stop, but then it would get really heavy again. I think I didn't go in for two months or so since I started bleeding. It's bad, I know. I finally called the nurse. She suggested I take a pregnancy test. I never would have thought of that. I was like, there's no way... NO way. But I took the test anyways.

It was positive.

I was stunned. Happy. But, what? Baby? It was almost impossible. But there it was. I loved my babies and I would love another, no matter how surprising. But I knew the horrible bleeding I had had and was still having so I didn't get my hopes up too high. That was hard. Not knowing to be really happy or really sad. Josh was a solid rock of support and love. Validating every emotion. He just knows how to love me and I can't articulate how lucky I am to have him.

It was the craziest emotional roller coaster. The first blood test I got came with a really high hCG. I remember the exact words the nurse who called me with the results said. "Girlfriend, you're pregnant!" (She's really awesome and nice, so she can pull off calling me girlfriend.) She was so happy and so positive that I was for reals pregnant, and so congratulatory. She knew I had been bleeding, though. I told her again, but she still was pretty positive. I went and got an ultrasound. And not the kind with the wand thingy on the tummy. Ugh. But I was excited to see if there was something there. The girl did her best to find something. Anything. She didn't.
After that, the nurse that I was in contact with still thought maybe it was just too early.
I got more blood tests and my hCG levels very slowly went down.
It was just really sad. After three healthy pregnancies I never would have thought I'd have a miscarriage. But I know how prevalent they are too. Along with all of us who have gone through it ourselves, I'm sure all of us have friend who has gone through it too and we aren't even aware.

What was really difficult was how long it took for my levels to go down all the way. I had to have my blood drawn about every two weeks for about 6 months. It just took a really long time.
Finally about a month and a half ago, the hormone was pretty much gone.
I do feel a loss there that is very real. I feel comforted by my Heavenly Father, the Gospel, and my husband, though. Those blessing in my life shine very brightly.

I know that was heavy and personal. I just really wanted to put it into some words. It's nice to put into words what has been in my mind for a long time.

I'm going to have to continue my goings ons' of the year in a second post, hopefully coming in the next week. And it's going to have happy things... so that will be nice.

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