Just Me. Part 1.

A blog post that won't be all about the kiddies? Whoa.

I've had lots of things to write about this whole year- I was thinking about waiting until December to write about how the whole year has gone for me, but let's just do it now. In October.

I guess towards the beginning of the year I was still in newborn baby mode. Just starting to figure out the chaos of three babes. But honestly things were going really well. The house was (and is) in a constant whirlwind of a mess. My hallway was (and still is) often full of laundry needing to be washed and waiting to be folded. But things were good.

Here's where it gets personal. And it's going to start out kinda really TMI. I think in March,  I started bleeding. And I actually already had a pretty normal period after Ingrid had been born- maybe two. But then I started bleeding again and just didn't stop. For like a month. And it was insanely heavy at first (sorry, so gross, I know). But I hadn't had a real period since before Morgan's pregnancy so I figured it just my body trying to get back in the groove of things. I didn't go get it checked on for like.. a long time. Because sometimes it would lighten up and I thought it was going to stop, but then it would get really heavy again. I think I didn't go in for two months or so since I started bleeding. It's bad, I know. I finally called the nurse. She suggested I take a pregnancy test. I never would have thought of that. I was like, there's no way... NO way. But I took the test anyways.

It was positive.

I was stunned. Happy. But, what? Baby? It was almost impossible. But there it was. I loved my babies and I would love another, no matter how surprising. But I knew the horrible bleeding I had had and was still having so I didn't get my hopes up too high. That was hard. Not knowing to be really happy or really sad. Josh was a solid rock of support and love. Validating every emotion. He just knows how to love me and I can't articulate how lucky I am to have him.

It was the craziest emotional roller coaster. The first blood test I got came with a really high hCG. I remember the exact words the nurse who called me with the results said. "Girlfriend, you're pregnant!" (She's really awesome and nice, so she can pull off calling me girlfriend.) She was so happy and so positive that I was for reals pregnant, and so congratulatory. She knew I had been bleeding, though. I told her again, but she still was pretty positive. I went and got an ultrasound. And not the kind with the wand thingy on the tummy. Ugh. But I was excited to see if there was something there. The girl did her best to find something. Anything. She didn't.
After that, the nurse that I was in contact with still thought maybe it was just too early.
I got more blood tests and my hCG levels very slowly went down.
It was just really sad. After three healthy pregnancies I never would have thought I'd have a miscarriage. But I know how prevalent they are too. Along with all of us who have gone through it ourselves, I'm sure all of us have friend who has gone through it too and we aren't even aware.

What was really difficult was how long it took for my levels to go down all the way. I had to have my blood drawn about every two weeks for about 6 months. It just took a really long time.
Finally about a month and a half ago, the hormone was pretty much gone.
I do feel a loss there that is very real. I feel comforted by my Heavenly Father, the Gospel, and my husband, though. Those blessing in my life shine very brightly.

I know that was heavy and personal. I just really wanted to put it into some words. It's nice to put into words what has been in my mind for a long time.

I'm going to have to continue my goings ons' of the year in a second post, hopefully coming in the next week. And it's going to have happy things... so that will be nice.

California Trip

Our little family got to go to Southern California a couple weeks ago. It was so fun going somewhere new together. The big reason for the trip was to see my new nephew. And let me tell you. My brother and Rebecca did so good. I've truly never felt so completely in love and enamored by a baby that wasn't my own. Every picture just makes my heart melt. I now understand my friends that have nieces and nephews showing me pictures of them all the time. (I love you guys!) Seriously, if my dear bro sends a picture of the little guys to me, I show everyone in the room. I just can't control it! So needless to say, I couldn't wait to get my hands on that babe.
Holding a newborn is one of the best feelings in the world. I may have gotten emotional.
I had the privilege of taking some pictures for them.
See for yourself the perfection that is this child.

Wait. This isn't a baby. Just the cutest dog. 

Couldn't you just die? I wish I got to spend even more time with him. But I sincerely feel so lucky that I got to see/hold/kiss the guy.
Seeing my brother and getting to know Rebecca more was also sooo good for my soul. They are wonderful people. My brother is the easiest guy to talk to and can make you feel like a million bucks in a heartbeat. I love how easily he "gets" people. He's THE best.

This trip was also this crazy all inclusive deal... it was our big trip for the year. Usually we try to make it up to Washington a time or two but this took the place of that. Soooo I guess both sides of our family loves us or something because they met up with us there too. Granted my people came for Eric and Rebecca and to see the new baby more than anything but... I like to think it was like 5% because of us :).

Josh's mom and two out of four siblings came, and my whole fambam came. So it really was quite an event.

No to mention the insanity of a 10 hour car ride with three kids three and under. Luckily, they're great kids and it wasn't too nightmarish. We also had Josh's brother Jeff help us out on the way down. He was an awesome help.

Morgan is a really chill traveler probably 90% of the time. He's so great.

Pearl got really weird on our first day of travels due to an accidental overdosage of dramamine. She gets carsick so we wanted to eliminate the otherwise inevitable vomit situation. I gave her one tablet, which was kind of a hefty dose, but in true Pearly style, she snuck another one and gobbled it right up. She was really loopy all the way to Mequite. 

We decided to break the trip up on the way there. We stayed in a moderately sketchy hotel in Mesquite, NV. We traveled the whole way back going home. 

Our first full day there we went to the aquarium with Josh's peeps. Who are my peeps too of course! I love these people.
The kids had such a great time. Pearl had been talking about seeing "a fish, and a shark, and a whale" for like a week before our trip. She was so excited. We may have not seen an actual whale but I think she was satisfied because she stopped saying it after the aquarium. The touch tanks were definitely the favorite. Morgan still talks about touching the jellyfish, which I couldn't get a picture of, because it was just too dark in there.

The first time we went to the beach we only got to stay for like 10 minutes but it was well worth the drive! ...Well, at least for me since I wasn't driving. We had some direction issues (I blame my phone)  so it turned into a race to beat the sun before it went down for the evening. But, then we got to Newport Beach right at sunset and it was perfect. 

Then the next day we went to Huntington Beach with my family, along with Josh's brother and sister! It was fun fun fun. A bit breezy/chilly, but fun. Ingrid napped on my back pretty much the whole time. 

Sand angel. 

She always find strange little projects to work on.

He had the time of his life.

My sister takes real nice photos. 

"Mom look! I have pixie dust!"

 Right after Huntington Beach we hurried back to our hotel and threw on some clothes to go to Eric's to hang out, take some family pictures, and eat a delicious meal prepared by my talented mama. I got worried because the sun was going down as we got there, and there just wasn't enough light for pictures. I didn't want to disappoint, as the designated photographer. Luckily my sister is awesome and had the idea to take it under the fluorescent lights in the covered parking area. I love the lighting. 

My fambam:

Our last full day there we went to the LA Zoo. I know, we can do that in Salt Lake, but there was a really good deal when it was bundled with the aquarium ticket. Plus, I think everything is more exciting in California. Aaaand we had family with us so it was just good times. 

On the way home (which took like 12 hours... ugh) we stopped in Cedar City so Josh could show me his old hood from his SUU days. It was great seeing the places he's talked about. 

It was just such a fun trip. The kids even napped in the hotel pretty well half of the time. Sometimes they didn't but I'm just happy there were a few naps within the whole week.  I loved that I got time to myself, time without the kids hanging out with my brother and family, time with the hubby, time with the kids, and time with everyone. I'm so happy with how everything went! It was a great, memorable trip. 

Thanks California.